18 weeks post-op, and I turn 41

Tomorrow is 18 weeks post-op, and it's my birthday, too. 

One year ago, I was excited to turn 40 off the coast of Norway. My husband and I did a trip to my dad's native country, and we spent 10 nights on this ship. The morning of my birthday, the sun was shining and it was surprisingly warm. We were docked in Trondheim, and my husband and I started towards town. 

I was miserable. I was hot. I was sweating. We had to walk 2 kilometers to town, and I was horribly out of shape. Walking was work. Walking was hard. Walking while hot and sweaty was almost unbearable. 

I was ashamed I was so out of shape. I was ashamed I wasn't able to be a normal tourist and enjoy where I was. I was ashamed I'd let myself reach this point, and I panicked because I'd tried so many things to lose weight, and I couldn't see a different way forward. I felt trapped and doomed. 


Looking back, I see that birthday — and that trip — influenced my decision to have weight-loss surgery. Needing to ask for a seatbelt extender on the plane. Having the airplane seat divider dig into my leg and hip. Worrying whether I would fit in public restrooms. Getting out of breath going up a flight of stairs, and not fitting well in one kind of deck chair on board our ship. Missing out on walks with my husband because I didn't have the energy or the strength. Missing out on sightseeing when we visited my cousins in Copenhagen because I couldn't walk enough. 

In the airport when we were coming home, I leaned towards Paul and whispered, "Am I as big as that woman?" Paul looked at me questioningly. "I'm not trying to be mean. She looks huge to me, and then I realized maybe I'm that huge, too." 

I think Paul said I'm not that big, but the impact had been made, and although I didn't articulate it at the time, I did not want the life I had.

A year later, I love the life I have. I love that I'm healthier. I love that I'm getting fit, that I feel better, that I have more energy. I love that I don't feel trapped by my body and its limitations. I love living my life in ways I could only dream of a year ago.