Digging deep

I've gone off track. I haven't been exercising as much. I'm eating too many calories and too many carbs. I'm not drinking enough water. 

"Sometimes you just got to dig really deep and find your strength. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!" someone posted in a support group last night. It was directed at someone else, but it struck me. 

Many times I've responded to posts by people who've gone off track and don't know what to do. I've always known I'd probably say it to myself one day, and now I am. 

"Reread (or write if you never did) the list of reasons why you had surgery. Measure your food. Eat 2-4 oz. of lean protein first, then 1/2 cup veggies, then 1/4 cup starch. Move your body. Drink lots of water. Good luck! You can do this!"

Why did I have surgery? Because I wanted to live a long, healthy life and spend as many years with my husband as I can. I didn't want to end up using a cane or in a wheelchair in my 50s. I was tired of being tired all the time. I was sad that I missed out on things that required walking or other physical activity. I was tired of being out of shape, and I felt scared because walking for just 20 minutes caused serious pain in my back and hips. I was tired of being ashamed. I was tired of not having many options for clothes. I was tired of worrying if I would fit in a booth or a public restroom. I was worried I was burying myself in an early grave. I was tired of always feeling self conscious and knowing I was the biggest, by a lot, person around. I was tired of worrying about my health and feeling out of control.

Since my surgery about 6 and a half months ago, I've gained a sense of freedom that was long lost. I don't feel that my body or my size hold me back anymore. My physical fitness has increased dramatically, and I enjoy moving my body — and moving doesn't hurt. I'm able to do more things with my husband. I feel like a normal person. I'm not self conscious all the time. I have more energy. I'm improving my health.

I took a vacation day today and am dedicating it to refocusing. I'm remembering why I chose surgery: for my health. The decisions I make today will be bounced up against that: Does doing this increase my health? I'm going for a walk. I'm making healthy food choices. I'm drinking water. I'm seeing my therapist (regularly scheduled appointment but excellent timing). I'm remembering who I am now.