Progress

Last summer, when I started the surgery process, I created a Healthy Successes Jar. I took an old mason jar, and I wrote on slips of paper healthy choices I made — drinking extra water, going for a walk, ordering a salad instead of onion rings. 

This winter, after surgery, I created an Activity Jar, writing down things I want to do as I become healthier. I've done some: walking UP the biggest hills in our neighborhood and planting red currant bushes (symbolic of getting back into yard work and gardening). I'm still working towards others, like kayaking (by the time I was interested in kayaking, I was too big to fit in one).

One of the things I was simultaneously most looking forward to and most nervous about was hiking on Monhegan. (For those not from Maine, Monhegan is an island about 10 miles off mid-coast Maine; visitors aren't allowed to bring cars, so you walk and hike.) 

I first went to Monhegan in my mid-20s and found it to be a magical, beautiful place. I've been back a handful of times, but the hiking and walking always have been difficult. It became a metaphor for my depression: walking in the woods, doing the tough work, was symbolic of working through things in therapy. The gorgeous ocean views at the end of the trails were my reward and progress. (And then it's back into the woods for more hard work.)

This time, aside from being nervous on the steep parts of the trails, I enjoyed the walking and hiking. Did you hear that? I enjoyed it. For the first time in many years, my body didn't hold me back from what I wanted to do. It was awesome. 

Another great non-scale victory: my husband's fleece fits me. One of my non-scale goals is to weigh less than my husband. (It's a reasonable goal, since he's several inches taller than I am.) 

And another: my husband's sister came over the other night for a visit. K and I met in college and became best friends (her brother and I started dating 16 years later). She's known me since before my depression and weight gain, and has seen me through the worst times. The other night, as she was leaving, she gave me a big hug and said, "It's so good to see you smiling again."

I need to count these NSVs today, when I'm tired and depressed. We said goodbye to our beloved dog Roo a week ago. Being away on vacation helped distract me, but now that I'm back home, I'm still tempted to eat my feelings. This is hard work, changing patterns and creating new behaviors — but I'm determined to create a healthier me and a healthier life.